Hey cool cats! Do you want to be hip on the hot trends of the youngsters? Follow our advice, for we know everything! About everything. And everyone. Okay shhh listen:

• Stumped when it comes to making great jokes? Exploit uneducated generalizations about a group of people of which you have no knowledge!

• Always carry a ball of rubber bands.

• Is your goal to be as fashion-conscious as possible? The first step is to master the basics—underwear! Whether that means pulling your pants up to just past the knee or strategically placing your whale tail above the band of your yoga pants, make sure everyone sees that no, you did not go commando today. You’re saving that for Wednesday.

• Speak like a child or an old man but NEVER BOTH.

• Do you want to show off your incredible taste in music? Make a backpack made out of records that screeches when you touch it.

• Yell shallow and insincere comments at anyone from a distance. Your peers will be highly impressed by your astute attention to detail. Social grace for the win!

• Make a point to own the latest and most expensive technology while remaining clueless as to how it actually works.

• Never sleep.

• If you want to go for the everpopular “all natural” look, be sure to start with, at minimum, 18 beauty products, preferably with a viscosity higher than that of honey. Proceed to layer every product until you have at least a seven-shade difference between your face and neck. The goal is to look nothing like yourself.

• Use emojis in verbal conversation. With teachers.

• Nap on the pool deck on the roof after closing.

• Want to be the most original cool kid of all time? Call yourself a nerd! Everyone will be blown away with your unique honesty about who you are as a person! What a great way to foster social acceptance: appropriating a traditionally marginalized and blatantly bullied social group that has risen in importance in recent years due to their role in developing the technology upon which we are so heavily dependent! All it takes is watching one reboot of Star Trek, maybe a couple well-publicized Marvel movies, and wearing dark-frame glasses that you definitely don’t need! You don’t need a passion for learning and discovering new things, that might get in the way of social acceptance!

• Toast is a great conversation piece.

• Another great way to show off your fashion sense is to take ideas from other cultures that you know nothing about! You could use bindis, henna, even a dashiki crop top! The world is your closet. The less you know about what your actions mean, the better! A common favorite is the flag of an anti-American government.

• Wear your textbooks as shoes.

• Be sure to address every problem you face with aggression. Rational conflict resolution is for weaklings!

• Nowadays, much of popularity revolves around social media presence, so be sure to only display parts of yourself that you stole from other people. First impressions are everything! • Use children’s tears as a condiment for any meal.

• If you are in a relationship, make sure you post a photo of your significant other every day, because the definition of a successful relationship is making sure that the whole world knows everything about it.

• Want to let everyone know how expensive your clothes are? Don’t just leave the tags on— staple the receipt to your chest. Don’t forget to Sharpie out your mom’s credit card number.

• Armadillos are always the answer.

• If you go to a music concert, remember to record the entire experience so you can live through a phone screen, and not actually enjoy life in the present. Be sure to post every single video clip on social media.

• Write an anonymous newspaper column that pokes fun at the follies of high school and feel sort of sad that you even have to write satire to get your point across. Feel like Hannah Montana whenever you tell someone the column is yours. The best of both worlds. Good luck and go get that social acceptance! Remember, your success in life is determined by how others perceive you, not your own self-fulfillment, expression, or enjoyment!