Hot diggity dog! Love is in the air once more––no, that’s not the smell of construction and manure, it’s love! With all the social and cultural implications behind this unique holiday, it’s easy to get lost in what the true meaning is, especially nowadays with all the “baes” and the “lit fam” having “what are those!” Back in the day, we crotchety old seniors were some pretty dish fellas, and we were killer-diller when it came to flirting with the betties at the hop. Lucky for you young’uns, we are here to wield wisdom as your romance gurus. Here are some sure-fire ways to spread the love all around! Smear it everywhere. Make it messy. You’ll have to shower afterward.

• You can spread love on a piece of toast and eat it. Mmmmmm.
• If you have a valentine, be sure they know how much you love them by giving them perishables such as chocolate or flowers. What an accurate symbol for your unending love!
• Valentine’s day is the day where public displays of affection are encouraged! Be sure to make out in the hallway for at least 394 minutes.
• Are you single on this day of love? Not to worry, you can find a date by going to your local fig tree and scouring the ground for the most shriveled and sun-dried fruit you can find. Close enough!
• Want your teachers to love you? Do your homework.
• Running low on cash to treat your date? Save money by eating each other’s faces for dinner. Romantic!
• If you’re looking for the courage to ask your crush out, look no further than Donald Trump! “Listen, I only date the best in the business, I only date, REALLY, I only date the best people. THE BEST PEOPLE. Really.”
• Show your dog some puppy love by bringing them to speed dating sessions and letting them eat anyone who doesn’t ask questions about you.
• Stumped on how to look hot for date night? Rub sriracha sauce all over yourself. The glistening redness says “I’m a delicacy” while possible blistering says “I have a sensitive side.”
• Steal an airplane and write “DAM BBY U FINE” in skywriting.
• Ever feel like your employer doesn’t love you enough? Volunteer to take on more responsibility, such as doing their job. They’ll be forever grateful for the burden of employment off their shoulders!
• Want to show your computer some love? Buy it a brand new high-resolution monitor. It’s a great way to display your affection.
• If you’ve been going steady with your honey for some time now, be sure to flaunt your romantic omnipotence to all your peers with gestures such as confetti or sappy Facebook posts. The connection you share is so deep and meaningful that everyone must know of its greatness!
• Are you single? Do you have to rule an evil empire with a really heavy mask and a poorly built weapon? To woo your prospective love, make them feel relaxed, like an unconscious human in your arms. Treat them like they’re your guest, and really get inside their head. Don’t be too forceful, or you might get burned.
• Want to cook your love a romantic meal, but don’t have the skills to do so or patience to learn? Take a pan and dump in the first five ingredients you can find. The more random, the better! To cook, just blast it with a flamethrower. You’ll know it’s done cooking when it’s mostly ash.
• Show your mother how much you love her by killing her husband and having four children with her. Or, keep her in a motel long after she’s dead and dress up like her.
• Looking for a grand romantic gesture to wow your special someone? Tattoo their name across your forehead because love is forever. This rational decision will prove that you truly are marriage material.
• Is your valentine fictional or too famous to be attainable? A life size cut out will serve as the perfect date! If you’re looking for a cuddlier surrogate, try a pillow with their picture taped on it.

We hope you love our brilliant ideas as much as we love writing them! Don’t forget that the true meaning of Valentine’s Day is materialism and superficiality!