Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Don’t ask us seniors, we forget everything! Happy 2016, students of Analy! A new year and a new semester mean a fresh start, and what better way to do that than with some New Year’s resolutions? Here are some ideas to help make 2016 your most crotchety year yet!

• The go-to resolution is to get healthy, but everyone crowds the gym in January! Instead, burn all your calories by setting yourself on fire.
• Vow to never eat another cabbage leaf again. Your days of guilty pleasures are over.
• Give shelter to homeless termites.
• Learn to read.
• Win the lottery! It’s a realistic way to ensure long-term financial success.
• Own a lizard.
• Liven up your vocabulary by only using the word ‘same’.
• Eat healthier by hopping on the latest diet craze! It’s called Paleo-No-GMO-Tho, and it consists of only eating fossilized food from before the Agricultural Revolution.
• Become the captain of an algae barge.
• Illegally purchase a set of Jarts for the father figure in your life.
• Eat just one macaroon, maybe two…
• Improove ur speling.
• Discover the magic of faxing.
• Build muscle with Legos made of myocytes.
• Find true love with your lizard.
• Stop smoking so much…salmon. Your mother keeps complaining about the odor.
• Binge-watch every show and movie on Netflix in one minute.
• Debate Neil DeGrasse Tyson about artificial intelligence in the quad.
• Marry your lizard.
• Grow three feet and two inches taller.
• Buy a zoo with your lottery winnings.
• Visit every Jamba Juice in the country before the school year is over. It’s the best excuse for showing up late to class.
• Tell the truth more – your dog didn’t eat your homework, you did.
• Make nuclear heat.
• Divorce your lizard spouse.
• Grow a third foot.
• Make better fashion choices – bust out those leopard print crocs!
• Wear even MORE Axe body spray.
• Live your life like it’s an Austin Powers transition scene.
• Become a lawyer specializing in hoverboard malfunction law suits.
• Use the Force.
• SMILE MORE!!!1!!!11!!!
• Invent the toaster.
• Buy all available copies of Seinfeld, Season Two on VHS. ONLY SEASON TWO.
• Recreate the OJ Simpson car chase in the student parking lot.
• Convert the entire country to the metric system.
• Eat an entire cupcake with no help whatsoever.
• Break the sound barrier.
• Clean all the bird skeletons out of your closet.
• Marry your computer.

Happy resolving! Remember to put tons of time, effort, and money into them now since you’ll forget about them by next week!