As Californians, we are not used to liquid falling from the sky in copious amounts. Nevertheless, that is exactly what will be happening this winter. According to meteorologists, uncharacteristically heavy rain and possible flooding (school cancelation anyone?) will be brought to California by El Niño. We know that this unprecedented precipitation will lead to confusion amongst the people in this recently drought stricken area, but not to fear! We have some useful tips and tricks to survive El Niño:

1. Thinking of puddle jumping? No need for expensive rain-gear, just break out your summer swimsuit! It’s pre-equipped to handle even entire pools of water, so you can rest assured that you’ll be completely prepared. It’s a little known fact that water-wear is interchangeable. Swim suit, galoshes, umbrella, and raincoat manufacturers collaborate to swindle the innocent consumer out of his/her hard earned money, and convince America that we need to buy every product in order to be prepared. Don’t buy into this corporate nonsense; keep your money for something worthwhile!
2. In case of power-outages, change out all of your light bulbs for good old-fashioned, reliable oil-lamps, perfect for eye-strained reading before bedtime! Just be sure to stock up on whale oil, and remember not to feel too bad about all of the fossil fuels you’re burning, if you don’t use it, surely someone else will anyway!
3. Too environmentally conscious for oil lamps? Have no fear! With a bit of innovation, you can use the storm to your advantage! With all of these clouds, your nifty solar panels will be rendered virtually useless, so buy a roll of copper wire from your local hardware store and wire it to the tops of all of your panels. Then, just sit back and wait for a spot of lightning to power your entire house! Be wary of bursting bulbs and other fire-hazards, and be sure you have decent insurance!
4. With all of this stormy weather, remember to keep a close eye on your pets. Seal all of your doggie and kitty doors in order to prevent your precious creatures from floating away, or worse. There have been rumors of a man who has taken it upon himself to save the creatures of California in a homemade arc. Keep an eye out for a giant, wooden ship, as it may be a sign that the pet-napper is nearby. Even if you don’t see one, take excellent care of your animals, as they may attempt an escape to the arc if they get too annoyed with your low-quality kibble.
5. Grey days got you feeling blue? Take a walk on the wild side, and skip homework for a night or two. With all this rain and wind, school is bound to be canceled at some point, right? So sit back and enjoy your powerless nights, because you’ve cracked the system! While you’re at it, have a good hard laugh at your foolish friends slaving away by oil lamp. You’ll be left feeling on top of the world! And as the wet season comes to a close, you can be sure that you won’t be bored for the rest of the year! All of that make-up work will keep you busy as a bee.
6. Although it may not seem like it, we are still in a drought, so try to keep your water use to a minimum. In fact, you can virtually eradicate your water bill by utilizing the water as it falls from the sky. This is a free, but not unlimited source, so take advantage of it while you can! Use the rain to shower in your backyard, wash your dishes, your cars, and even your pets (just be sure to keep them fenced in and safe from escape or petnapping)!
7. All of this water is only really going to the ground, and from there running into sewers and drainage pipes, and possibly helping to moisten our dangerously dry soils, so what harm would it do to take some of it? With a few simple tools, you can create a funnel over your entire property and direct water into a large hole that you can dig in your backyard (I’m sure your parents won’t mind). Store this water for later use in hotter, drier seasons. Not only will you cut down on your water bill, you’ll save the planet as you hoard gallons of water that would have gone to waste!
8. Missing your daily runs/bike rides/walks? Let the rain ruin your fitness no more! Rather than paying money for a gym membership, change up your routine for more weather-appropriate tasks. Try simple, indoor workouts such as: running from one side of the house to the other, violently interpretive dancing to Bee Gees remixes, and stirring huge pots of hot chocolate (remember to switch up which arm you use for an even workout). And for those who feel their fitness is constricted in the comfort of their own homes, find a large puddle in your vicinity and swim a few laps. You will not only feel stimulated in a cardiovascular way, but the shocking cold will tense your muscles and tone them. By the time swimsuit season rolls around, you’ll be a snotty, sexy hunk of viruses.
9. There is nothing worse than being stuck without heat in a storm. Act now before it’s too late and take all the blankets from your house and hoard them in your room! While you’re at it, might as well adopt as many fluffy pets as possible to act as a heat source. This includes but is not limited to: cats, dogs, guinea pigs, particularly fluffy birds (owls work wonders), miniature ponies, and sheep (lots and lots of sheep). If the power goes out and you are left in frigid temperatures, build yourself a nest and cuddle with all of your new, warm, buddies. Just remember to keep an eye on all your furry/feathered friends (see tip number 4).
10. Severe flooding may leave you stranded at home, which can be a drag, especially if you’re hosting strange relatives for the holidays, or are simply an angsty teen who doesn’t enjoy your family. Whatever the inevitable problem, deal with it before it arises, and invest in a personal boat. Any sort of boat will do, from rowboat to yacht, though I hear there’s a man in town who will give you free sanctuary on his ship if you bring him a cat or dog.

In all seriousness, exercise caution during the storms. Drive carefully on the slick roads, and be sure you don’t leave the house without sufficient layers or a raincoat/umbrella. Keep your pets safe; it can be difficult for drivers to see animals in foggy, rainy weather. Make sure you have candles and blankets in case of a power-outage, and be reasonably respectful to your family members, as a flood may leave you stuck with them. And remember, though it may be a real bummer, to appreciate the water, because we need it. So have some merry puddle jumping, and happy storms!