15 Ways to Get into College



Mmmmm, smell that? That’s the smell of desperation college applications! ‘Tis the season for seniors everywhere to pay hundreds of dollars to give every shred of evidence of their meager 18-year existence and sum up their entire lives in less than one thousand words to grown adults who could not care less! Whether you are an underclassman with no idea how the process works or a veteran senior who’s already submitted their applications, here is a list of how to successfully complete the college application process from start to finish!

  1. Distill your tears and send them to the College Board as an offering in exchange for your SAT score reports.
  2. While on walking tours of colleges, be sure to be at the front of the pack and trip whoever tries to usurp your role as dominant applicant.
  3. Instead of filling out applications and writing personal statements, kill two birds with one stone by just sending your colleges your personal accounts and passwords. They’ll really get to know you!
  4. Submit your applications by carrier pigeon. It shows you aren’t just another rapscallion millennial glued to a screen!
  5. Find one college that you really like with an average GPA and SAT/ACT scores far above your own. Invest everything in that college, and once you get rejected, do not accept that this is the correct decision. You were OBVIOUSLY meant to get into that college! The academic climate was far beyond your capacity but STILL. Their admissions officers were clearly biased. They will be hearing from Daddy’s lawyer.
  6. Personal statements are all about sob stories. Be sure to sound as unstable as possible so colleges will want to take you in and fix you.
  7. Suddenly start showering your teachers with attention and kindness so that when you ask them for a letter of recommendation they don’t say, “What was your name again?”
  8. Only participate in extracurriculars that look good on your application. Do as many as possible and don’t invest too much in each, this is a game of quantity over quality!
  9. If you choose to do alumni interviews, appearance is everything! Wear super-formal clothing to say “I am so put-together and not a mess!”, but arrange for the meeting to be conducted in a casual setting, like a McDonald’s. It says “I’m down to earth!” From there, whatever you say doesn’t even matter!
  10. Be as crotchety as you can so all your personal statements come out super negative! It’s a great way to show colleges how much you care about others.
  11. Pay for your applications only in pennies as a threat. The less financial aid the college gives you, the more pennies they will have to count.
  12. Submit your applications minutes before the deadline, or even seconds before if you can! Colleges want to see that you make the most of your time. Turning your apps in early just shows that you don’t care enough to spend time on them!
  13. Buy a bunch of college gear before you are accepted. Wear it around school to say “Hey, I could definitely get into this college!” The luck and confidence will help you astronomically.
  14. Start a Facebook fan club for the admissions officers at your college of choice. They will be so flattered by your enthusiasm that they’ll overlook the general undertones of illiteracy in your personal statement.
  15. Just use Daddy’s money to buy your way in!

Good luck, and don’t forget to hate everyone who got into your dream school!