Important Information for the Political Season

The presidential primary election for the United States is upon us! We crotchety old seniors believe in being informed citizens, whether you can vote in this primary or the upcoming election in 2016. This article contains true statements about the candidates, but the other parts are just the ramblings of cynical, sleep-deprived senior citizens. See if you can tell fact from fiction!

Ben Carson loves ceramics

Carly Fiorina’s favorite food is stewed radishes

John Kasich is pretending to be Republican to gain popularity

Hillary Clinton hopes to have everyone forget about that whole Benghazi thing

Jim Gilmore hopes to legalize pig racing

Bernie Sanders doesn’t care about Hillary’s damn emails

Lindsey Graham wants to go to prom with you

Rand Paul was part of the NoZe Brotherhood in college, an organization created as a joke on a freshman whose nose was so big that his friends said they could form a club around it.

Carly Fiorina had a double mastectomy in 2009

Bernie Sanders’ best friend is Kermit the Frog

Donald Trump speaks only in generalizations or overstatements over 90 decibels

George Pataki tried to be George Takei, but couldn’t get the name or anything else right

Bernie Sanders’s most prized possession is a former band-aid of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Martin O’Malley enjoys playing Boggle in his free time

Ben Carson would love to see Roe V. Wade overturned

Marco Rubio plays polo with Dick Cheney when their wives have book club

Mike Huckabee lost 110 pounds and has completed 4 marathons since 2003

Donald Trump is contractually obligated to say “China” at least once every 2 minutes

Hillary Clinton was hospitalized for a blood clot in 2012 from dehydration from gastroenteritis

Bernie Sanders frequently indulges in binge-watching of 30 Rock

Jeb Bush once got a selfie with the Terminator

Martin O’Malley hopes to make free ice cream a nationwide mandate

Chris Christie still thinks the moon is made of cheese

Rick Santorum believes in magic

Ben Carson tried to stab someone when he was fourteen

Ted Cruz uses his strong American accent to pull ahead in the polls

Rick Santorum hopes to create a scrapbook of every type of plant in the White House garden

Jeb Bush is a self-professed boot fanatic

Ted Cruz plays racquetball with Lady Gaga on the weekends

Bobby Jindal’s favorite nut is macadamia

Ben Carson is a former neurosurgeon who successfully separated conjoined twins

Donald Trump’s hair is made of cotton candy