CROTCHETY OLD SENIORS Installment one: Homecoming askings!
September 30, 2015
School is in full swing here at Analy, and love is in the air! As homecoming draws nearer, stu- dents everywhere ponder how to creatively ask that special someone to share a night to remember. We, the crotchety old seniors, have compiled a list of ideas to assist you in your conquests. Enjoy, and happy askings!
1. On your potential date’s seventeenth birthday, play them the song “Dancing Queen” by ABBA through a boombox on your shoulder. They will automatically want to go to the dance with you, since they are now a dancing queen, young and sweet, always seventeen. Go to homecoming and feel the beat from the tambourines, oh yeah!
2. Give them an encoded note that pops the question, but you should also give them the key to the code because using brute force would probably take too long, especially if it’s in polyalphabetic cipher.
3. Wrap yourself in many towels, hang upside down in their locker, and when they open it, burst forth and declare that you have under- gone metamorphosis from a caterpillar into their homecoming date.
4. Is your prospective date a vegetable fiend? Present them with a bouquet of kale and say “I would kale to go to homecoming with you”.
5. Hand them a copy of Heart of Darkness and say “It would be ConRAD if you went to homecoming with me”.
6. Write “Homecoming?” in the dirt of the field construction with a tractor.
7. Teach them morse code and say “Will you go to homecoming with me?” with a flashing light, preferably green and across a river to represent unattainable dreams.
8. Pop the question by writing it on white poster board and giving them flowers and a teddy bear to show them how little originality you have. Who can say no to conformity?????
9. Arrive at their locker with a copy of 1984, telling them that you would rebel against the government to be their homecoming date. (“Big Brother is watching me doublethink my way into being your homecoming date.”)
10. Have your prospective date meet you in the student parking lot. Once you have them in front
of their massive truck, turn on a pop-country song about truck beds and backroads with a twangy guitar riff, try not to think about all the polar bears you killed with your exhaust, and ask them to be your date. Romantic!
11. Write a note in the margin of your AP Calculus homework, and pass it to your possible date. Let the note read: “The limit of my affection for you does not exist because it approaches infinity. Homecoming?”
12. Is your date avid about anatomy? Wear a lab coat and give them a copy of the latest Stanford medical journal, but replace the conclusion with: “Will you trigger the release of oxytocin and vasopressin from my posterior pituitary gland and go to homecoming with me?”
13. The next time you have a history project, pause right in the middle of it to walk up to your
potential date, and in your best Abraham Lincoln impression, say “Four score and seven years ago…I decided I wanted you as my homecoming date. Please?”
14. Create a flash mob in the middle of the quad, possibly using football players, cheerleaders, and other various friends, and ask them in front of the prying eyes of 1300 teenagers if they’ll go to homecoming with you. Nothing shows true affection in asking someone to a dance like public humiliation!
15. Is your date in leadership? Bust into Room 3 in the middle of fourth period and say “I make a motion to approve (insert date’s name) as my homecoming date. Can I get a second?” Make sure you yell very loudly so your date can actually hear you. Ms. Amirkhan will love the sound of your voice.
16. If your potential date is a senior, craft a fake acceptance letter that congratulates them on getting into Homecoming College with a major in being your date! Tuition is $35.
17. Is your date a runner? Tell them that you’ll buy them pasta and racing flats if they go to homecoming with you. They won’t be able to resist the offer! They really cannot. It is impossible. Do not be surprised if they wear the flats to the dance. This is normal.
18. Carve “Homecoming?” into a tree. The tree will definitely go to homecoming with you!
19. Is your date a crotchety old senior? Tell them there will be free SubZero ice cream at homecoming. They will likely answer with “harumph,” “college,” or “AP,” and one of those responses might be a yes. It’s hard to tell.
20. Since the theme for the dance is Midnight in Paris, get into the cultural spirit by proposing to your date in French! Don’t worry if you can’t speak French, just say this: “L’appropriation culturelle est er- roné. Voulez-vous pour obtenir la crème glacée à la place?
