Crotchety Old Seniors February 2019

Crotchety Old Seniors, Staff Writers

Now that it’s February and love is in the air, we have some advice from the top love gurus at Analy: The Crotchety Old Seniors.

  • Forget the roses! Don’t waste your time giving your hard-earned money to greedy corporations. Instead, take your date out to eat the rich.
  • Dinner dates are overrated. The swamp is much more romantic. Nothing says love like a little muckraking.
  • Toss out your copy of Cosmopolitan and grab the Kama Sutra from your grandma’s closet. (The 70s were wild; free love, baby.)
  • Popular gift ideas: frogs, snails, and my personal favorite: empty Gatorade bottles. (yerba mate cans are also very romantic.)
  • For all the singles out there, take yourself out on a date, or go out with friends. Love is not exclusive to couples.
  • Valentines’ Day isn’t even real, so why bother? According to, it’s not even a federal holiday. Corporations made up Valentine’s Day so they could get more money. Also, Connecticut doesn’t exist.
  • It’s a small world, and you never know who you might meet, so before things get too serious, it might be a good idea to purchase a 23andme kit to make sure you’re not related.
  • Don’t have enough money to see a local show? Just go visit your local raccoons! You never know what those little critters are up to!
  • Want to look good for your significant other (or just yourself)? Forget the lingerie and opt for something more comfortable. Nothing says intimacy like a burlap sack.
  • Feeling lonely this Valentine’s Day? At least you’ll know there’s one person who will always have your back: your new Cher tattoo.