Now that it’s February and love is in the air, we have some advice from the top love gurus at Analy: The Crotchety Old Seniors.

• Forget the roses! Don’t waste your time giving your hard-earned money to greedy corporations. Instead, take your date out to eat the rich.
• Dinner dates are overrated. The swamp is much more romantic. Nothing says love like a little muckraking.
• Toss out your copy of Cosmopolitan and grab the Kama Sutra from your grandma’s closet. (The 70s were wild; free love, baby.)
• Popular gift ideas: frogs, snails, and my personal favorite: empty Gatorade bottles. (yerba mate cans are also very romantic.)
• For all the singles out there, take yourself out on a date, or go out with friends. Love is not exclusive to couples.
• Valentines’ Day isn’t even real, so why bother? According to Senate.gov, it’s not even a federal holiday. Corporations made up Valentine’s Day so they could get more money. Also, Connecticut doesn’t exist.
• It’s a small world, and you never know who you might meet, so before things get too serious, it might be a good idea to purchase a 23andme kit to make sure you’re not related.
• Don’t have enough money to see a local show? Just go visit your local raccoons! You never know what those little critters are up to!
• Want to look good for your significant other (or just yourself)? Forget the lingerie and opt for something more comfortable. Nothing says intimacy like a burlap sack.
• Feeling lonely this Valentine’s Day? At least you’ll know there’s one person who will always have your back: your new Cher tattoo.