Pisces

February 19-March 20

Genius isn’t a word I throw around lightly. So I won’t but keep up the good work and one day you’ll get there, sweaty. 😉

Aries

March 21-April 19

Make it your goal to right all your wrongs this month. Imagine holding a grudge over something so small as a bagel. Although they are quite good, it’s not worth it.

Taurus

April 20-May 20

You get what you give and, man, doesn’t it feel nice to get a smile?

Gemini

May 21-June 20

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of resting-your-head-against-the-car-window-pretending-you’re-in-an-early-2000s-music-video-while-enduring-serious-concussions-ing, and I’ve come to the realization that sometimes, being on your own will do you some good.

Cancer

June 21-July 22

They don’t deserve you anyways, shishtar!

Leo

July 23-August 23

Now’s your time to get ahead! Work hard and prosper while they’re distracted with some grape. I heard it’s doing quite well after the operation…

Virgo

August 23-September 23

You’ve come so far and made so much progress this month, but don’t stop now, from here on out there’s only more growth. Bloom my little sapling!! There will be time to rest when you’re done.

Libra

September 23-October 22

Sometimes less is more. Unless its glitter… then it’s just everywhere. But at least you know it’s always there for you :,).

Scorpio

October 23-November 21

Look, we know you have Crocs and even though they’re just the sickest shoe in the whole world or whatever it’s 40° outside so please put on some proper shoes it’s getting hard to watch. We’re all cold for you!

Sagittarius

November 22-December 21

This is your time to shine. Yeet that wheat, brothers and sisters. Especially now that the last of the JoBros is married off, you’ll have nothing to distract you! But this also means you need to update your to-do list…

Capricorn

December 22-January 19

Interrupt a man today! Disrupt the patriarchy!

Aquarius

January 20-February 18

Get yourself a reusable straw and save a turtle today. From a small act of kindness grows a ripple, and although it may seem small it travels very far! Think of the turtle’s family…