Do and Don’ts of a Thanksgiving Dinner

Sorry Jehovah Witness’ we don’t have anything for you, we’ll get ya next time.
1. DO: Do yourself a favor and stay in your room. Avoid all that drama and just come out the next
day for leftovers.
2. DON’T: You know all those people you said you’d hang out with over the break? Don’t follow
up. Be your truest self: a hermit.
3. DO: Leave all those leftovers in the fridge for at least three months. Someone will eat them
eventually. Vegetables don’t go bad anyway.
4. DON’T: You know your racist aunt? Don’t engage. Smile and nod. If you choose to, godspeed.
Also call us…we need that tea.
5. DO: Hang out with your cousins. But not the weird one. He never breaks eye contact…
6. DON’T: Eat too much cranberry sauce, and don’t leave the stuffing in the turkey. Your bowels
will thank you later.
7. DO: Stir up the drama. Bring up that ex-wife, insult the food, talk about the midterms.
8. DON’T: Be like my Uncle Kevin. He’s the worst. Screw you, Kevin, and your weird persecution
9. DO: While you’re gobblin’ down that turkey, make eye contact with your vegan family and ask
their opinions about factory farms.
10. DON’T: Homework? What homework?
11. DO: Dress for the weather! We know how topsy-turvy the weather can be with 40° mornings and
90° afternoons. Layer and remember that climate change is just a hoax.
12. DON’T: You know what? Don’t even bother to show up to thanksgiving. It’s so much work and
drama—For what? Some dry turkey? I think not!