New year, new me. Am I right ladies? We could all use a little change every once in a while, and the new year is the perfect time to realize how you can stop being useless. So this month we would like to encourage everyone to improve themselves since you can’t change those around you no matter how much you try and try AND TRY. Here are some small things you can do to get closer to being a more perfect life form (a.k.a. Chester):

1. Hold the door open for the person behind you. It doesn’t matter how far behind they are, if you see someone coming just keep smiling at them until they start doing a little fast walk and finally make it to the door after twenty minutes.

1. Always keep a full supply of Altoids on hand. Whenever you catch a whiff of any breath that smells halfway worse than an egg salad sandwich, whip out your Altoids as an offering. Not only is this a service to them, it is a service to those all around you.

1. Get to know the people around you. Reach out to the people in class that you never talk to by asking them some questions: “What did you do this weekend?” “What teacher do you like best?” “What is your favorite animal to sacrifice?”

1. Illuminate your peers with the gift of good music. Everyone is listening to those stupid top 40s on the radio when we all know that the obscure artist you found on Spotify has so much more soul. Expose others to your good music by burning 500 mix tapes and leaving them taped to every single locker with a personalized note.

1. Be a better friend by stepping up your friendship skills. Stop telling your friends’ secrets to everyone else. In fact, you should start beeping as a warning every time someone starts to tell you a secret. That way you don’t get to know and won’t slip up and spill the beans and share your friend’s very personal information.

1. Massages. Don’t ever leave a conversation without giving your companion a little backrub. Everyone deserves a backrub. Someone give me a backrub.

1. You can’t be kind to others without first being kind to yourself. Start the day off by listing five things you love about yourself out loud. If you can’t think of five, think of something you love about Chester and then pretend you are that cool.

1. New year, new memes. Step up this year and be the meme lord you’ve been hiding in your closet for months. The world is ready for some fresh memes, and it’s your job to provide.

1. Feed the hungry. Everyone is tired of going hungry after those sneaky American crows snatch all the sandwiches they have their eye on, so you can fix that problem by going to Safeway© at lunch every day and buying one bag of chips to feed the all the hungry people at school.

1. Stop judging a cook by its bover.

In the words of what a cashier at Target said to me, “Don’t be too naughty.”