101 MYTHS about High School
Yo, yo, yo Analy High School. The Crotchety Old Seniors are back under new ownership, and we are here this year, as we have been for the last several years, to provide wisdom. We are here to be the light that guides you when you start to consider quitting school to become a professional basket weaver. We are here for you. So to start us off, we’d like to welcome all those new terrified faces out there trying to find Annex 5: the freshmen. Now freshmen, we understand that many of you already have an idea of what high school is going to be like because the media has brainwashed ideas into your head. So for this first edition of the 2016-2017 school year, we would like to debunk 101 myths about Analy High School. Are you ready? I don’t think you are, but we’re going to start anyway:
- Food Fights: You don’t have to worry about your favorite shirt being messed up by flying spaghetti. The truth is food fights are just for T.V. At Analy, we value the environment, and anyone who sees you throwing food will most likely slip a passive aggressive comment into your locker … if the vegans don’t get to you first.
- Bullying the Freshmen: While some freshmen can be very annoying, no one is going to be mean to you specifically because of your grade level. If someone bullies you, it’s probably because you were a bully in the first place.
- Friday Night Lights: I can’t believe you even fell for that myth. Everyone knows it’s dark at night.
- Hours of Homework Based on Grade: Some people think the hours of homework you do a night corresponds to what grade you are in. This is completely false. The hours of homework you do a night are directly proportional to whether or not you have Mrs. A.
- Night Classes: It is easy to understand why some people still think the school offers classes at night. We actually don’t have those because attendance got too low, that is why teachers now just give out bookwork for students to do at their own homes.
- Love: Everyone thinks they are going to find “the one” just because they are in high school now. Under strict regulations by the FDA, this is actually prohibited. The only place love can be found on campus in on the tennis courts and in Mr. Carter’s heart.
- Rolling Backpacks: Everyone comes to school wondering if people think they are lame because their backpacks don’t have wheels. Don’t worry! No one is judging you because you carry your books on your back or in a tote bag.
- Cliques: Don’t be afraid of them. Just because the ones in high school are different doesn’t mean you can’t join in. Clicks are super useful, and you should really use them to your advantage when browsing the internet.
- Football Players: If you’re looking to find the guy of your dreams, check out the cross-country team instead.
- Annex 5: It’s not real. Stop trying to find it.
- Bathrooms: Analy High School bathrooms are not that crappy. We actually have relatively nice bathrooms with toilets that automatically flush whenever you come within a 15 mile radius of one.
- Cafeterias: Everyone thinks that you have to find a “spot” to eat in the cafeteria. The truth is, our cafeteria fits 23.879 people and Analy has 25,000 people enrolled so obviously not everyone is going to fit in there. Try eating on the roof instead.
- Liberty High School: There was a rumor going around that the school was actually going to keep the title “Liberty High School,” but I guess we couldn’t help but go right on back to the original.
- PE Class is the Worst: PE is actually super fun because it’s almost like Junior Olympics and you qualified whether you like it or not, and you get to be surrounded by all these amazing athletes trying to impress the judges enough to win gold even though you are in PE class!
- Parties Go All Night Long: No one has the energy to stay up past 8 p.m. so you better start partying during 6th period.
- Nerd Group: You think you will be able to spot them in the crowd by the glasses and New Balance walking shoes, but that is actually just Chester. The rest of them actually blend in quite well, but tend to slip up in their disguise when they mutter the irresistible math pun.
- Jocks Rule the School: Actually, the American crows in the quad rule the school. If you put a jock up against a crow, chances are the jock will need to be hospitalized because of multiple stab wounds.
- Teachers Will Give You Bad Grades if They Don’t Like You: This one is so false it makes us angry. Teachers are smarter than that. If they don’t like you, they will give you an A+ in their class because they want you to pass the class and get out of their lives as soon as possible.
- Group Projects: Group Projects are the most amazing thing ever! Everyone cooperates and group chats always work perfectly well! You totally don’t get frustrated ever when someone in your group decides that they are not doing any of the work!
- Books Are Heavy: We actually only use books made of non-GMO, cage free, gluten free paper so they are as light as a feather.
- Someone is Going to Help You Pick Up Your Papers if You Spill Them: No one is going to help you, so just grab as much as you can and run faster than you ever have before.
- School Dances: We don’t do school dances. We only do school raves.
- There is a Pool on the Roof: This one is actually true—for more details contact the Pool Supervisor.
- 101 MYTHS: Yeah, there are only 24.
