Hey kids! Do you enjoy life? Well, that’s nice. Keep that to yourself. As we crotchety old seniors are quite ancient and about to pass on to the Next Lyfe™, we figured we would share with you younglings our honed skills at not dying. Here:

• Toaster strudel is a death trap waiting to snare you, AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS.
• Laughter is the best surgery.
• On your deathbed you will wish for more crayons.
• Here comes dat boi
• Netflix is a crutch and you best use it.
• Carry a boombox on your shoulder at all times and blast “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor.
• Realize that pants are no longer a necessity.
• Wallow in any empty hallway. Bonus points for making whale noises as you do so.
• Hijack a plane.
• Imitate a camel giving birth.
• Acknowledge your imminent death at least 30 times a day for 47 years leading up to your death.
• Let the dulcet tones of teachers lull you to sleep daily.
• Hhhhhhhh
• Use the North Star as guidance.
• Be funky fresh every day.
• Dance to presidential campaign speeches at 3 am.
• Eat precisely 11 pounds of food a day. Be sure to weigh it all before you chow.
• Ride a unicycle while wearing all green and saying your favorite catchphrase. Ours is “my goodness, how do you do?”

• Don’t stop believin’. Hold onto that feelin’.

• Visit the one beach in the world that has transparent water. So rare!
• Sacrifice a virgin.
• Impersonate a different jungle animal every day as you get your mail.

• Be Taylor Swift circa 2010.

• Save every barcode from every purchase, and arrange them into a celebrity portrait on your ceiling.
• Make it rain… with Chuck E. Cheese tokens.
• Communicate using only telegrams and morse code.
• POWER RANGERS GOOOOO!!!!!
• Remember that crocs are a-okay.
• Murder autocorrect.
• Only listen to music produced prior to 1915.
• Leave toxic friends like Cleo. Her pranks are straight inappropro.
• DON’T TALK TO ME OR MY SON EVER AGAIN.

And the best way to not die is to stay far away from Ted Cruz since he’s the Zodiac Killer. Crotchety old seniors out. *mic drop*